[Sophia M.]

Front Porch Forum: “Am I betraying my sister by helping move her into assisted living?” (11/08/2025)​

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Pull up a seat, GrayViners. “The Care Home Decision” is torn between love and responsibility—and now she’s wondering whether doing what’s safest might also break her sister’s trust. What would you do when care starts to feel like betrayal?

Hello TGV,

My sister and I have always been close. She’s two years older, and growing up, she was the strong one—confident, social, full of energy. Now the years have caught up with her. Her memory isn’t what it used to be, and she’s had a few falls. Her daughter and I have been talking about moving her into an assisted living facility nearby.

She refuses to even discuss it. Every time we try, she insists, “I’m fine. I don’t need strangers taking care of me.” But I’ve seen the way she forgets things. Last week, she left the stove on. Another time, she wandered down the street looking for her cat, which had passed away two years ago.

I know she won’t forgive me if I help her daughter arrange the move behind her back. But I also know she’s not safe on her own anymore. The guilt keeps me up at night. I feel like I’m betraying her trust either way—by acting or by waiting too long.

How do you do what’s right for someone you love when they’ll only see it as a betrayal?

With a heavy heart,
The Care Home Decision

What do you think, GrayViners? Is it ever right to step in when a loved one refuses help? How do you balance safety, independence, and love when the lines between them blur? Share your thoughts below—and if you’ve got a story or question of your own, start a new conversation here.

 

[Treetops]

This may sound mean, but, I think your guilt will be greater, if tragedy happens, and you were afraid she would`t forgive you from looking out for her. Remember, she isn`t able to make good choices right now, and she`s not going to remember that you, helped to place her in a safe facility. Good wishes, for you and the family.

 

[Hazel]

We did this with my sister that had no children. She called the place where people go to die. A year later she has friends and does not have time to check in. your sister will be mad but time and attitude will win. You do need to keep checking on her. My son handled the move

i am now in the process of planning for a brother that never had children. This one scares me and i feel what you are feeling. However, i feel one person does not have the right to make many people miserable because they will not accept what is happening to them. They think they are fine. I have reached out to many resources that say they will help for a price. The truth is if you do not have a doctor to help you will hit a black hole. Good luck. You are doing the right thing. She will be mad but will get over it

 

[NIBOR0]

I was in long term care for over 30 years, the last 5 years as a Licensed Nursing Home Administrator. There is a reason assisted living and long term care facilities exist. People, at some time in their lives need additional help or guidance. Someone else giving them their medications so that they are taking the right meds at the right time. You can also make good friends. I became friends with several residents over time and I miss them terribly. If you believe that your sister would be safer in an assisted living situation, do it before something bad takes that choice away from you.

 

[techgrandma]

This is going to be a long one and I am sorry, but I figured you need the backstory to understand what might happen.

I have not had to deal with this with the patient being my sibling, but it is my Mom. We saw her going downhill and thought we could see how she dealt with being in a home for some respite care. Up to this point, we have not had a supportive doctor. She would ask her 3 or 4 questions and say everything was fine. She would, however, talk to my sister or I and not my Mother. This was not setting well with us so we requested moving her to the doctor we both have. As soon as our doctor saw her she requested Mom see a neurologist. After that testing and visit they told us that she was the beginning of Dementia. At that point we had to opportunity to place her in respite care at a place we had been checking out. She was actually excited as we talked about it and helped pack. It was a personal care part of the home and it was horrible. She would call us, complaining and demanding we come and get her. I talked to the administrator and she assured me that things would get better and that she was doing well. On the third day I was on the phone with the administrator and my Mom walked in her office door yelling and telling her that she needed out of that place immediately. I was in shock because I had never heard her talk to anyone the way she talked the the admin and the language was nothing my Mom ever said. She was also in her pajamas with no robe or slippers. My siblings and I had a meeting and knew if we brought her home that day we would not have to pay for the rest of the respite we had planned for her. We spoke to her and decided to bring her home and arrange for some care at home.

That lasted for about a day or two and we knew it was not going to work. She was calling us one after another and not remembering who or who she had already talked to. I had to go to an appt and my sister had one the same time. We were both out of town and could not interrupt our meetings with calls. We arranged the care give to arrive an hour early. I called her before we left and reminded her that My sister and I were going out of town and could not answer her calls. We came out of the meeting and when I turned the phone back on it was full of missed calls and messages. It turned out that she started calling relatives and her caregiver and telling them she had no idea where we were or why we were not answering. She told them she was home alone with no food and was afraid. When we got to her house I was able to straighten things out with everyone and after my sister and I agreed we needed to do something.

We had a appointment at the doctor later in the week and she agreed that Mom was progressing quickly. She told Mom that she needed to give us her car keys and to eat and take her medicine. Lucky for us the home called and had an opening in Assisted Living Memory Care. Within 2 weeks of that date we had it arranged for her to move the AL-MC. The doctor was wonderful explaining things to us like not to visit for at least the first week to give her time to get use to the schedule and how things are there. We made sure to take things with her to make the move easier like furniture, pictures, her favorite photo album and things like that.

She moved in 2 months ago and things are going so much better now. It was hard at first because she didn't think that she needed to be there. She soon made friends, actually has 4 people in her area that went to school with her, 1 who was a neighbor, 1 from church and even knew 2 of the care givers. In the beginning she constantly asked when she was going home, where her car was and where her cat was. We always answer vaguely and it did work. Finally at around a month and a half the questions changed. No longer asking about the house and the cat. We heard more about the things they were doing in the home and about her new friends. It is wonderful to be able to talk and share with her. To bring her things she wants and needs. I feel like I have my Mom back.

I had to remind my siblings over the weeks that she was safe, eating and taking her medicine. I took her to a checkup with her doctor last week and she had gained weight, her blood pressure was very good and physically she was doing great. I was so happy I took her out for a celebratory lunch. It is very hard and you have to keep reminding me why you are placing her in a home. I am getting great reports from the employees. The other day when I arrived the one told me "Your Mom is a trip". I wondered what she did. Ended up the woman who we worried about eating had eaten extra at breakfast the day before and an almost double lunch. I could tell that looking at her she was feeling better, doing better and happier.

I know this was long, but if you hung in until the end remember that the changes do not happen quickly. Be patient and consistant. Hopefully you will have a good doctor who can help you too. I also joined two groups on Facebook that have helped me with questions too. They are Dementia - The Journey - Support Group and Memory People