[Sophia M.]

Front Porch Forum: “Is it selfish to want more than being the family babysitter?” (10/14/2025)​

Love gives freely, but even love needs room to breathe. Image source: Unsplash

Pull up a seat, GrayViners. “Not Just Someone’s Grandma” is wrestling with something many caregivers quietly feel — the line between love and losing yourself. How do you stay kind and generous without becoming invisible?

Hi all,

I adore my grandchildren. I’ve rocked them to sleep, sung lullabies until my voice cracked, and dried tears after scraped knees and middle school heartbreaks. I’ve always said yes.
Yes to school pickups.
Yes to weekend overnights.
Yes to last-minute favors when the sitter canceled.

But lately, I feel like that’s all I am, the help. The background. The reliable woman who will always show up and never complain.

My children don’t ask what I’m reading. They don’t notice when I get a haircut or start a new hobby. They talk to me about scheduling, about drop-off times and snacks, but never ask how I’m really doing.

I know I’ve created this rhythm by always saying yes. But I want more. I want to be seen as a person again, not just the ever-available grandma with the open door.

Is it selfish to want to reclaim some of myself?

Trying to feel whole again,
Not Just Someone’s Grandma

What do you think, GrayViners? Have you ever felt like love turned into obligation? How did you find balance between being there for family and keeping a piece of yourself? Share your thoughts below—and if you’ve got a story or question of your own, start a new conversation here.

 

[Treetops]

I`m probably not the best person to give uplifting, positive suggestions on the subject, of being the ever ready, Grandma. My eldest grand daughter is now 23, and they stagger down from there. My husband and I devoted our lives to her, the most, being our first. Did all the things, the original post mentioned, and then some. It`s been 8 yrs in December, since his passing. I haven`t seen the kids, or grand kids since 2018. When I said, I can`t give like I had. Giving of myself, my money,my home. I needed to focus on survival on my own, now. They vanished, like smoke. No calls, or birthday wishes in a card. So, no advice, here, on how to handle it. Probably just a warning, on what not to do. I can only say, it`s been enlightening, not to wonder how important all that you sacrificed, really was. I wish you a better outcome. Standing on my own two aching feet, here in the Treetops.

 

[GrandpaGrumpy]

I really feel for Treetops.
We seemed to always be keeping 1 or 2 of our granddaughters. The oldest, we'd Wind up with her 3, 4 even 5 nights a week. We kept her fed and in nice clothes while she went through kindergarten.
One day, last school year, my wife brought her some chicken nuggets for her afternoon snack.
My daughter got furious and raised cain with my wife about feeding our granddaughter chicken nuggets.

Funny thing is is that not 3 days later, when all of our granddaughters were at my daughter's house, they were all given chicken nuggets and fries.

We now only get to see our granddaughters when the daughters need a sitter.

It's not as often, these days, but it's time that we will always treasure.

 

[NIBOR0]

I made it clear from the start that I'm not a babysitter. I go over to my daughter's house every 2 weeks to do my laundry and see my grandkids. I've become very attached to my 5-year old granddaughter even though she is a brat at times and gets her drama from her mother. So far, this has been working out great. I can't see to drive at night so I couldn't go over to babysit in the evenings even if I wanted to. I know that they ask my son-in-law's mother to watch them when they go out but I'm good with that.

Fortunately I have a good relationship with my daughter.