[Sophia M.]

Front Porch Forum: "Am I wrong for not wanting to attend my son’s “blended” birthday party with his wife’s ex?" (07/29/2025)​

Under one roof, but are we really celebrating together? Image source: iStock

Pull up a seat, GrayViners! “A Confused Mom” is feeling torn about her son’s new family traditions—and an upcoming birthday that’s anything but simple. Would you go for the sake of unity, or bow out for comfort? Read on and share your take!

Hello all,

I’m writing because I feel quite unsettled about my son’s upcoming birthday, and I could really use your perspective.

For a bit of context, my son remarried a few years ago and now has a lovely stepdaughter with his new wife. I get along perfectly well with my daughter-in-law, and I’ve always tried my best to make her daughter feel included–I even make a point of remembering both children’s birthdays and buying presents for them equally.

This year, my son and his wife have decided to throw a "blended" birthday party for both him and his stepdaughter, and they want everyone to come together as “one big happy family.” That sounds nice in theory, and I understand the sentiment, but here’s the problem: they’ve invited his wife’s ex-husband, who is the biological father of my step-granddaughter, to the party as well.

I know everyone’s supposed to be modern and mature these days, but to be perfectly honest, I find the idea quite uncomfortable. I don’t know this man at all, and frankly, I feel it changes the dynamic. I’d rather celebrate my son’s birthday just with our side of the family and close friends, not with people I barely know (and who have a complicated history with my daughter-in-law, to put it mildly).

I’ve politely said I might sit this party out, and now my son is disappointed, saying it’s important for the kids to see everyone getting along. My daughter-in-law is hurt as well and says she hoped I’d show my support by being there. But in all honesty, I feel like I’m being put in an awkward position, all for the sake of appearances.

Am I being unreasonable for wanting to skip this “blended” celebration? Is it selfish to want something a bit more traditional, or am I just old-fashioned? Would love your advice.

Sincerely,
A Confused Mom

What do you think, GrayViners? Have you ever felt out of place at a family gathering, or had to balance new traditions with old feelings? Share your advice and experiences below. And if you’ve got a tricky family dilemma, start a conversation here.

 

[ccolpitts05]

You should go to his birthday party, you gave birth to him, you are his birth mom. That makes you his true mom. So suck up what is bothering you and show up with your head held high knowing he is your son. It is very important for you to be there for your sons birthday!!!

 

[Mtymte]

It's only a couple of hours out of your life. You should be pleased that everyone gets along so well. Keep the peace. Set a good example by going and being gracious.

 

[angib55]

My second marriage is a BIG blended family. My husband had 2 kids with his first and l have a daughter with mine. My ex in-laws accepted my husband from day one. MIL said l divorced her son not the family. We would go to their house in Florida(l live in IN) every year on vacation. Everybody always get all well. As far as birthdays, we have our family and his ex and her new husband always come. We all celebrate holidays together too. This has been going on for 30 yrs. My daughter's ex still calls me Mom or Granny(because of my grandsons) and my husband either Papa or Dad. lt is less complicated to get along with ALL the family instead of against it. They are a part of the family no matter what. The first year that l was together with my husband, l had already made plans to go to my in-laws for Christmas. The first question my MIL asked was why l didn't bring my husband with me.

 

[Gayle B.]

I think it’s going to be okay for you to attend. It might mean more to your son if you attend. Isn’t it enough that families can get along together. After all is said and done, I think that you are going to be happy with yourself for going to the party! Good luck!

 

[slaughjl]

Go to the party and ignore the man.

 

[NIBOR0]

I recently went to my Granddaughter's birthday party. There were a lot of people there and then her real dad showed up with his daughter, my Granddaughter's half sister. They all acted like it was normal so I did as well. My daughter and my Granddaughter's dad have always gotten along with her current partner. They just had a new baby together themselves. So go to the party and I hope you have a good time. At least everyone is getting along, It's unfortunate when there are issues between exes and it affects the kids.

 

[anotheroldbag]

Does the letter writer think everyone should nurture their resentments against an ex-spouse, who is, in fact, the parent of this step grandchild she claims to have accepted? Who is the bitter person in this set-up, and what, exactly, is her problem with acceptance? Get over yourself, woman, and act like an adult. If the former spouse, who is apparently not hostile towards your son for getting naked with the mother of his birthday girl, can celebrate the child's birthday, what makes you so delicate?