[Sophia M.]

Front Porch Forum: "How do I set boundaries when my kids overspend and turn to me for help?" (09/04/2025)​

Love is endless, but my savings aren’t. Image source: Freepik

Pull up a seat, GrayViners! “Help or Enablement?” is wrestling with the fine line between supporting adult children and being taken for granted. When the calls for help never stop, how do you say no without losing closeness?

Dear TGV,

My children are in their forties. They have homes, families, decent jobs. But every few months, I get a call. A shortfall. A surprise expense. A temporary loan that somehow never circles back.

I’ve always helped. I dipped into my savings for braces, car repairs, school trips. But now I’m retired, watching every dollar. I’m trying to make things last. And truthfully, I’m starting to feel resentful. They go on vacations I could never afford. They eat out weekly. And still, I’m the one quietly covering the gaps.

I love them. I want them to feel supported. But I also want them to stand on their own. And I’m scared that saying no will feel like rejection, or worse, abandonment. I don’t want to lose our closeness. But I don’t want to go broke pretending I can be the safety net forever.

How do I draw a boundary that feels kind and firm?

Wanting to give without disappearing,
Help or Enablement?

What do you think, GrayViners? Have you ever faced the loss of someone you were once close to, but had grown distant from? Did you go, stay away, or find another way to mourn? Share your stories and advice below. And if you’re wrestling with a family crossroads of your own, start a conversation here.

 

[LuLu1955]

Having been down that path, my recommendation is, warn them that the bank doors are closing. Give them a FIRM date and stick to it! It will be tough but, in order for you to cut the bank teller strings. You will be amazed at how their actions will change. Some will be good, others not so much. Just be prepared.

 

[starlix13]

When I bought my house after my divorce and had an unexpected needed repair, I had to borrow money from my mom. She didn't hesitate to loan me money. I was grateful and paid her back within a couple of months. It was my priority to pay back. If my kids borrowed money and did not repay promptly, I would not lend them any money going forward. It is not fair to assume a parent does not need money as much as an adult child. And adult children have to assume responsibility for their spending and accumulated debts and not rely on parents to bail them out. One day the parent is not going to be around to bail them out, then what will they do? Adults have to be responsible for their actions.

 

[angib55]

l totally agree with starlix13. My dad was killed when l was 11 and my mom died when l was 26. l never had the luxury of going to them when l needed unexpected money problems. l had to learn to budget my money early and save for the unexpected expenses. Glad my mom showed me how. l may not have had a lot but l stood on my own two feet. l also did this with my daughter. l would pay myself each week along with my bills. They need to realize that the banker isn't going to be there for them in the future. The sooner they realize it the better

 

[Gayle B.]

Did they ever ask you to go along to their vacations? NO! If they ever thank you for the loans beyond the moment they took your money? Probably NOT! I feel they have merely taken time after time without even TRYING to pay you back. I might let them know that your bank has other priorities now and that the doors are CLOSED! Good luck with that!