[Sophia M.]

Front Porch Forum: "Should I attend the funeral of a cousin I hadn’t spoken to in decades even if we left things unresolved?" (09/02/2025)​

Two goodbyes, but only one chance to say it. Image source: iStock

Pull up a seat, GrayViners. “Saying Goodbye, With Complication” is torn about attending the funeral of a cousin he hasn’t spoken to in decades. When grief mixes with old wounds, is showing up an act of love—or reopening the past?

Hi TGV,

My cousin passed last week. We were close once, inseparable during childhood summers and thick as thieves through our early twenties. But somewhere along the way, life got complicated. There were hurt feelings. A disagreement about our grandmother’s estate. Words were said, and then, silence.

For more than twenty years, we didn’t speak. Not because I stopped caring, but because I didn’t know how to repair what we had broken. I thought there would be time. I thought eventually we’d bump into each other at a reunion or one of our children’s weddings and finally break the ice.

But now he’s gone. The funeral is this weekend. I’m torn between wanting to go, if only to say goodbye, and fearing I’ll be an unwelcome face. I don’t know how his children or siblings feel about me. I don’t want to stir up old wounds by showing up where I’m not wanted. But I also don’t want to live with regret for skipping the only goodbye I might get.

How do I mourn someone I lost twice, once to distance and again to death?

Grieving on uncertain ground,
Saying Goodbye, With Complication

What do you think, GrayViners? Have you ever faced the loss of someone you were once close to, but had grown distant from? Did you go, stay away, or find another way to mourn? Share your stories and advice below. And if you’re wrestling with a family crossroads of your own, start a conversation here.

 

[angib55]

My father's family consisted of 5 brothers. They all had many children. After my grandfather and father died, my mom would take us to reunions weddings etc. After she died l still kept in touch with some that l was really close too. About 15 yrs ago, l attended a cousins funeral that l was still close too and that opened a whole new family to me. l reconnected with all the family that l had missed and met a lot of their famiies. Go to the funeral. lf they don't accept you, that is on them. You never know until you try and it might reconnect you with others that you have lost track of