[Ally Castillo]

Front Porch Forum: "Fed Up in Florida" (06/19/2025)​

What would you do in this situation? Image Credit: Timur Weber/Pexels

Hello, GrayViners! Today, we received a letter from "Fed Up In Florida", who has found herself in a tricky situation, and she could use your help! Here's what she sent us:

Hello, The GrayVine!

I’m hoping to get your honest advice, because I’m feeling a bit put out and would love a fresh perspective. My husband and I both retired last year, after working full-time for decades. While I certainly don’t mind looking after our home (it’s been my pride and joy for many years), I can’t help but feel that it’s only fair for things to change now that neither of us is heading off to work each day.

Before we retired, I did the majority of the cleaning, laundry and cooking, as I was working part-time and he was full-time. That made sense to both of us at the time. However, now that we’re both home together, I’ve assumed he would naturally start pitching in more, especially since our days are more relaxed and we have plenty of time.

Unfortunately, that hasn’t really happened. He says he just “doesn’t think of it” and will happily help if I specifically ask, but I can’t say I enjoy having to direct things like I’m running a ship. He relaxes, gardens, watches TV, and leaves the rest to me unless prompted. I do love him dearly, but after all these years, I don’t want to feel like a maid in my own home.

I’ve tried bringing this up gently, but he sees no issue. He says he’s happy to help, but just needs to be told what to do. I can’t help feeling this is a bit unfair, and honestly, a bit old-fashioned. Shouldn’t we both be taking on these everyday chores as a team, now that we’ve “clocked off” from our careers?

Is it unreasonable to expect him to do his fair share around the house without needing to be asked? Or am I being too sensitive? I’d love to hear your thoughts, and maybe any advice you have for encouraging a bit more balance!

Thank you,

Fed Up in Florida

Well, there you have it. Do you have any advice for our dear reader? Comment them down below! Got a concern you'd like us to share with everyone? Start a conversation here.

 

[bobbibonn]

Throughout our married life, my husband always took care of the cars and all outside work. I did the cleaning, cooking and laundry and anything else that needed doing inside, (except for repairs, etc). When my hubby retired, he took on the inside as well as outside work (except the bathrooms, I am fussy about them). When I retired, I was in the same boat as you, as he just stopped helping out, thinking I wanted to do the inside now that I was retired. I ended up devising a chore list and posted it on the refrigerator, Chores for me, and chores for him. He had no problem keeping up with his chores and I felt we were once again a team.

 

[angib55]

2 years ago, l went into renal failure. Because of the dialysis, l had little to no energy. l was already retired with my husband still working. He would work come home and do all the things that l was doing. He couldn't believe how much l actually would do around the house until he had to do it, He was cooking cleaning taking care of the dogs-just everything. Plus yard work and repairs. When l was back on my feet to start doing 'my work', he thanked me and told me how much he appreciated l do. Most of the time, l do everything before he gets home but he does pitch in sometimes when l haven't done something on the cleaning side. During COVID, he helped out a lot too. Maybe make a list and list things that need to be done and assign them to each other for a week and then the next week, switch

 

[Gayle B.]

I don’t really understand his reasoning for not helping at home. My husband and I both served in the military spending 20 years in North Dakota. The first several years we worked different shifts. Doing what we were told was essential for anyone serving our nation. Since we both worked full time it seemed only natural to split up doing the housework. We started off in a couple of apart so there was no inside or outside chores. Even when we lived in the houses we bought it was an unsaid rule for both of us split chores. We had a riding lawnmower to mow the property. I did that. Alt we both cooked he enjoyed it more than I did so he cooked a bit more. I vacuumed and enjoyed dusting. I washed dishes and he dried them. At least unt we got a dishwasher. I loaded it and he emptied it.
These things worked for us. We respected each other and loved each other for who we were.
This split of housework may not be appropriate for you though. I guess I don’t have any real advice but maybe our experience might help you. God bless you!

 

[Doris Gallaher]

Gre

2 years ago, l went into renal failure. Because of the dialysis, l had little to no energy. l was already retired with my husband still working. He would work come home and do all the things that l was doing. He couldn't believe how much l actually would do around the house until he had to do it, He was cooking cleaning taking care of the dogs-just everything. Plus yard work and repairs. When l was back on my feet to start doing 'my work', he thanked me and told me how much he appreciated l do. Most of the time, l do everything before he gets home but he does pitch in sometimes when l haven't done something on the cleaning side. During COVID, he helped out a lot too. Maybe make a list and list things that need to be done and assign them to each other for a week and then the next week, switch

A perfect solution.

 

[TriciaR]

Throughout our married life, my husband always took care of the cars and all outside work. I did the cleaning, cooking and laundry and anything else that needed doing inside, (except for repairs, etc). When my hubby retired, he took on the inside as well as outside work (except the bathrooms, I am fussy about them). When I retired, I was in the same boat as you, as he just stopped helping out, thinking I wanted to do the inside now that I was retired. I ended up devising a chore list and posted it on the refrigerator, Chores for me, and chores for him. He had no problem keeping up with his chores and I felt we were once again a team.

Thanks so much for sharing your experience @bobbibonn — it really helps to hear from someone who’s been in a similar boat! It sounds like you and your husband found a great balance in retirement after a bit of a reset. The idea of a chore list on the fridge is such a simple but effective solution — love that it turned things back into a team effort without a lot of back and forth. Do you find the list still works well over time, or have you had to tweak it now and then? And did it take him a while to warm up to the idea, or was he on board right away? Thanks again for chiming in — I’m sure others in our community will find your tip really helpful, too!

 

[TriciaR]

2 years ago, l went into renal failure. Because of the dialysis, l had little to no energy. l was already retired with my husband still working. He would work come home and do all the things that l was doing. He couldn't believe how much l actually would do around the house until he had to do it, He was cooking cleaning taking care of the dogs-just everything. Plus yard work and repairs. When l was back on my feet to start doing 'my work', he thanked me and told me how much he appreciated l do. Most of the time, l do everything before he gets home but he does pitch in sometimes when l haven't done something on the cleaning side. During COVID, he helped out a lot too. Maybe make a list and list things that need to be done and assign them to each other for a week and then the next week, switch

Thank you so much for opening up and sharing your story @angib55 — what an incredibly tough time you’ve been through. It’s heartening to hear how your husband stepped up when you needed him most, and even more touching that he came to truly appreciate all the things you were quietly doing around the house for so long. Sometimes it really does take walking in someone else’s shoes to see the full picture, doesn’t it? Your idea of rotating a chore list weekly is a great suggestion — it adds variety and keeps things fair without making it feel like a chore (pardon the pun!). Do you two still switch it up now and then, or have you settled into a rhythm that works? Thanks again for your thoughtful advice — I know “Fed Up in Florida” and many others will appreciate it!

 

[TriciaR]

I don’t really understand his reasoning for not helping at home. My husband and I both served in the military spending 20 years in North Dakota. The first several years we worked different shifts. Doing what we were told was essential for anyone serving our nation. Since we both worked full time it seemed only natural to split up doing the housework. We started off in a couple of apart so there was no inside or outside chores. Even when we lived in the houses we bought it was an unsaid rule for both of us split chores. We had a riding lawnmower to mow the property. I did that. Alt we both cooked he enjoyed it more than I did so he cooked a bit more. I vacuumed and enjoyed dusting. I washed dishes and he dried them. At least unt we got a dishwasher. I loaded it and he emptied it.
These things worked for us. We respected each other and loved each other for who we were.
This split of housework may not be appropriate for you though. I guess I don’t have any real advice but maybe our experience might help you. God bless you!

Thank you so much for sharing your story @Gayle B. — and thank you, both of you, for your service. It sounds like you and your husband created such a solid partnership based on mutual respect and shared effort, both during your working years and at home. I love how naturally you found your rhythm, just doing what needed to be done without it ever having to become a debate. That kind of teamwork is really inspiring. Even though you say it’s not really advice, I think your story is incredibly helpful. It shows just how powerful it can be when both people feel equally responsible for the home they share. Do you think your military background helped set the tone for that shared responsibility? Thank you again for your kindness — I know your message will really resonate with our community.