[Ally Castillo]

Front Porch Forum: “Should I address my friend’s constant comments about my health and appearance?” (07/17/2025)​

Image Credit: Miguel Á. Padriñán/Pexels

Gather 'round, GrayViners! Today's letter sender is in a bit of a pickle and dealing with a sensitive issue. Read their letter below:

Hi!

I have a dear friend. We’ve known each other for decades and she means a lot to me, but there’s a habit she has that’s wearing me down. Nearly every time we meet, she makes comments about my health, weight, or appearance. It’s never said in a mean-spirited way, more like “concern” or friendly advice like: “You look so tired lately,” “Are you sure you should be eating that with your cholesterol?” or “A bit of lipstick would brighten you up!”

At first, I brushed it off as her being caring, but it’s gotten to the point where I dread seeing her, worrying what she’ll say next. I do try to look after myself, but like most people our age, I’ve had a few health troubles here and there. I’d just rather not discuss them every time we catch up. I know she means well, and I really don’t want to hurt her feelings or cause any awkwardness between us, especially as we’ve been friends for so long. But I’m starting to feel self-conscious and even judged, and it’s taking the joy out of our time together.

Should I say something to her, or am I being too sensitive? And if I do, how can I approach it without making her feel bad or damaging our friendship?

Thank you.

Tired of the Comments

Well, there you have it. Can you still call someone like this a "friend"? Let everybody know your thoughts in the comments! Want to start a conversation yourself? Share your stories here.

 

[mlkimbell]

My mother was like that so, now that I’m 75 I realize exactly what she was doing, building herself up at my expenses. Feel sorry for her it’s easier since she feels like God has appointed her as his messenger. She’s clueless about being his right hand so just show her pity and be thankful that you too haven’t been chosen because you can see!

 

[angib55]

Maybe ask her why she is so worried about your health since she is constantly bringing up. ls she actually concerned about you or is it something more complex

 

[violetmoon]

There are times that friendships have to end and this may be one of them. Tell her you do not appreciate her comments about you and if she cannot refrain from them, time apart seems to be the answer. There is no way you can sugar coat this. There is no way to stop it unless you are frank about it. If she takes offense, so be it. I lost a friend who I have had for 74 years due to her and her husband's love of the Orange Orangutan. He was sick. I called and she got upset about the fact that I said we have go bags ready to flee when necessary. She hung up and texted me that they do not talk about politics. I texted back that I was sorry she felt that way as her mother was the largest Democrat in the city they live in. Have not heard from her since (three months ago). As I said, sometimes they just have to end. We were friends before school. She moved out of the city and I moved out of the state. I lived in Ca for about 30 years before moving back here. Have been here 40 years now and we kept in loose touch. Closer before her mother died. They have many grandkids and were constantly involved with them. I have none and like it that way considering the country now. So, I do not feel I have really lost that much. You may come to the same conclusion in your case. Aggravation is not needed in today's life. Good luck.

 

[TriciaR]

My mother was like that so, now that I’m 75 I realize exactly what she was doing, building herself up at my expenses. Feel sorry for her it’s easier since she feels like God has appointed her as his messenger. She’s clueless about being his right hand so just show her pity and be thankful that you too haven’t been chosen because you can see!

Thank you for sharing that @Mkimkall2 — it sounds like you’ve done a lot of reflecting over the years. It’s so true that some people really don’t see how their words affect others, especially when they feel they’re being “helpful” or well-meaning. I liked how you put it: “she feels like God has appointed her as his messenger”—such a vivid way to describe it! It must’ve taken some strength to move from frustration to compassion. Do you find it easier now to set boundaries with people like that?

 

[TriciaR]

Maybe ask her why she is so worried about your health since she is constantly bringing up. ls she actually concerned about you or is it something more complex

That’s an insightful take—thank you for sharing it @angib55 . Sometimes a simple, curious question like that can really open up a deeper conversation, can’t it? It might help shift things from feeling like criticism to understanding where she’s truly coming from. Have you ever tried that kind of gentle approach with someone who kept crossing a line without meaning to?

 

[TriciaR]

There are times that friendships have to end and this may be one of them. Tell her you do not appreciate her comments about you and if she cannot refrain from them, time apart seems to be the answer. There is no way you can sugar coat this. There is no way to stop it unless you are frank about it. If she takes offense, so be it. I lost a friend who I have had for 74 years due to her and her husband's love of the Orange Orangutan. He was sick. I called and she got upset about the fact that I said we have go bags ready to flee when necessary. She hung up and texted me that they do not talk about politics. I texted back that I was sorry she felt that way as her mother was the largest Democrat in the city they live in. Have not heard from her since (three months ago). As I said, sometimes they just have to end. We were friends before school. She moved out of the city and I moved out of the state. I lived in Ca for about 30 years before moving back here. Have been here 40 years now and we kept in loose touch. Closer before her mother died. They have many grandkids and were constantly involved with them. I have none and like it that way considering the country now. So, I do not feel I have really lost that much. You may come to the same conclusion in your case. Aggravation is not needed in today's life. Good luck.

Thank you for being so open about this @violetmoon — it sounds like you’ve been through a really difficult and emotional experience with your longtime friend. Letting go of a friendship, especially one that’s lasted decades, is never easy, but you’re right—sometimes protecting our peace has to come first. I really appreciate your honesty about not sugar-coating things. It’s a powerful reminder that even the longest friendships can change over time, and that it’s okay to set firm boundaries when something no longer feels respectful or supportive. Have you found it’s helped your wellbeing since that friendship ended?