[Emerald U.]

Front Porch Forum: “Would hiring a part-time nurse be breaking a promise—or simply doing what’s best for both of us?” (10/16/2025)​

Image source: cottonbro studio/Pexels

Gather ’round, GrayViners. Today’s letter writer is facing something sensitive and could use a few kind words and advice. Read their letter below:

Hi TGV,

When my husband was first diagnosed, I told him I would take care of him no matter what. I meant it with my whole heart. I still do. But it’s been four years now. Four years of medications, doctor appointments, helping him dress, bathe, and eat. Four years of never sleeping through the night. Of missing weddings, dinners, even just long walks outside.

I’m exhausted. Not just in my body, but in my spirit. I’m scared of resenting him. I love him too much for that. But I also love myself. And I’m wondering if hiring someone—even just for a few hours a week—would be the compassionate thing to do for both of us.

I miss reading a book without worrying he might need something. I miss long baths, long naps, and long thoughts. I miss myself.

But then I hear his voice in my head, reminding me that we said we’d do this “just us.” And I feel the guilt creep in like a fog. Have I already failed him by needing help? Or is this what love looks like too—recognizing when your best includes letting someone else step in?

I don’t want to feel like a caregiver before I feel like a wife. I want to show up for him without losing myself in the process.

Trying to do right by us both,
A Caregiver With Limits

If you were in their shoes, what would you do? Share your thoughts in the comments. Got a concern you'd like to talk about? Start a conversation with us.

 

[terriespell]

Self Care, Absolutely time out for you.Your no good for your husband or you if your not well,physically and definitely mentally ,if he is still with mental capacity he will totally understand and agree.You both Love each other

 

[ConnSC1945]

Definitely get some help. But interview person to see how compassionate they are. I did in home help for 6 years and meet a lot of nice people. I was helping both the client and their family. The client may be reluctant at first but learn their interests and most quickly warm up. Patience is the key.

 

[angib55]

You have aged along with your husband. You have taken on th

 

[Treetops]

Before leaving the workforce, I was a care giver. I had many cases over the years. A few were married, clients. They were of around the same ages of one another, and had long term illnesses. I can say this much. The quality of their relationships improved with one another. They began to laugh together at meal time, and share memories with each other in their evening hours. Why? Because the full time care was no longer weighing the spouse down. They could run out to the store, or have coffee with friends. It replenished their lives, outside of the tasks at home, and could share their day with the loved one, later in the day.These families benefited greatly. In the work of care giving today, a relative can be paid to help out as well, so maybe someone you both trust. Cameras in the home can protect your loved one, in case your uncomfortable. As far as a promise being broken? You aren`t breaking anything, your simply adjusting to insure you can carry out the promise. I wish you quality years ahead.

 

[ramm3410ctl]

Yes, please do hire some part time help. For the past decade, my husband was ill and disable and needed my care. At the same time our parents were needing daily assistance from family.
Now at my age I feel warn out from all the doctor appts of my own plus taking care of family members. Our parents are now gone, but our siblings are aging as well as ourselves. All help is greatly appreciated and will help both yourself and your spouse. Just needed for a few hours a day and it gives you both a break and some time to yourselves to look forward to. Best wishes to everyone going through the golden years.