Hello, TGV!
I’m an older guy (68), and this is my first time posting, though I’ve been lurking here for a while. My niece said I should post here to get an outside perspective because I’m feeling torn about a situation that’s been building for a while.
A few years ago, I met my partner (32). Yes, I know the age gap is big. We met at a community art class, clicked over mutual interests, and things moved fast. Within a year, she moved into my home. We’ve been together for about four years now.
When we started living together, she had just left a stressful job and wanted to “find herself” and pursue art full-time. I supported that. I’m retired, financially comfortable, and it wasn’t a huge deal for me to cover everything, including mortgage, utilities, groceries, and even some of her student loans. She kept saying she’d pitch in once her side projects took off.
At first, I genuinely didn’t mind. I wanted to support someone I cared about, and I figured we were building a life together. But over time, things started to feel… unbalanced. I’d ask about job applications, and she'd say she was "waiting for the right fit." I suggested part-time gigs just to ease things, and she’d say I was stifling her growth.
Then recently, she started making comments like, “Well, I’d love to chip in but you chose to take care of everything.” Or she'd joke that I was her “retirement plan.” I laughed it off at first, but honestly, it’s starting to sting. She also recently bought herself a luxury bag “to inspire abundance,” paid for using a shared credit card I gave her for essentials.
So a week ago, I told her gently but firmly that I think it’s time we re-evaluate finances. I offered to continue paying for the house and major expenses, but asked that she cover her own day-to-day costs, groceries, clothes, and entertainment, at least to start. I even offered to help her budget or look for flexible work options.
She got very upset. Said I was going back on my word, and accused me of “dangling money to control her.” Now a few mutual friends (most of them her age) are saying I’m being manipulative and that “I knew what I was getting into.” Some have implied that if I cared, I wouldn’t mind paying “a little extra” to help someone chasing their dreams.
But I don’t feel like it’s just about money anymore. I feel like I’m being used and it hurts. Still, I can’t help but question myself. Am I being an out-of-touch old guy who’s expecting too much too soon? Or worse, am I the controlling one here?
Best,
A Gentle Man Reconsidering
