[Ally Castillo]

Front Porch Forum: "A Puzzled Host" (06/10/2025)​

Hello, GrayViners! We've got an anonymous letter sender here who's in quite the pickle, and they could use your help! Here's what they sent us:

Dear TGV,

I hope you don’t mind me writing in, but I’m feeling rather out of sorts and could use an outsider's perspective.

Recently, my son and his wife have been staying with me while their house is being renovated. I’ve always tried to make them feel welcome, and I know it’s a stressful time for them, but something’s been bothering me, and I can’t quite shake it off.

Last week, when I came home from visiting a friend, I found that my daughter-in-law had rearranged my lounge room completely. Cushions were swapped, pictures were moved, and some were even stowed away. Even the furniture shifted to different spots! She’d also bought decorative pieces that just aren’t to my taste. When I asked about it, she said she thought it would “freshen things up” and help make the place “more homey” for everyone.

I know she meant well, and I appreciate that she’s trying to help, but it isn’t her house. My home might not be straight out of a magazine, but it’s comfortable for me, and the way things are arranged has sentimental value. I can’t help but feel put out — almost like my tastes are being dismissed in my own home.

I haven’t said anything to my son because I don’t want to cause tension while they’re staying here, but I’m quietly upset every time I walk into the room. Am I being too sensitive? Should I just let it go until they move out, or is it reasonable to expect my home to be left as I like it?

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Kind regards,
A Puzzled Host​

Well, there you have it. Do you have any advice for our puzzled reader? Comment them down below!

 

[Arkie98]

I would talk to the son, explain to him they were going to have to make different living arrangements. If you can afford to build a new home, you can afford to rent even if just a studio apartment. I had a dear Aunt who didn't have alot but her place and her things. She always said,"my house, i can do as i damn well please." So if you don't like what i have leave.

 

[NIBOR0]

My brother came to visit and decided to rearrange my kitchen cabinets. I couldn't find anything for weeks so I finally just put it back the way it was. It was so irritating and arrogant of him to think he could even do that so I totally understand your position. I would just put it back the way it was and tell her that that's the way you want it. They may leave sooner than you expected but my gosh, it's your house!!!

 

[angib55]

lt is one thing to ask if you would like to change the room but to do it without asking is totally wrong. How would she feel if you did the same to her. l would definitely say something to the son first and then if nothing happens-speak to her. That is just totally rude!!

 

[Gayle B.]

Well, how long will they be living in your home? If it’s for a short time then you may be able to live with it. If it’s say longer than a month or two at the max, then tell her, not your son how you see your stuff where it makes sense to you. Ask her help in putting things back in the order you appreciate your home arranged. How does that sound to you? I hope this agrees with your vision. If not, totally discard my opinion.

 

[anotheroldbag]

You are an adult. This person may have meant well, but your home and your privacy are being violated without your permission. Don't talk to your son! He is not responsible for turning your home into mini-her. Talk to HER. Try to remain reasonable and calm. It may be a good idea to bring another adult who understands your rights to organize your space as you, not some temporary resident, prefers. Offer to go shopping for home décor once her house is available! She may be using your home as practice.

 

[TriciaR]

I would talk to the son, explain to him they were going to have to make different living arrangements. If you can afford to build a new home, you can afford to rent even if just a studio apartment. I had a dear Aunt who didn't have alot but her place and her things. She always said,"my house, i can do as i damn well please." So if you don't like what i have leave.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts @Arkie98 — your Aunt sounds like a woman who knew how to stand her ground, and I love that quote of hers! There’s definitely something powerful about feeling in control of your own space, especially when it holds so much meaning and comfort.
You're right — if someone’s able to afford a renovation, it’s fair to expect they could manage temporary accommodation that doesn’t upend someone else’s home. It's such a tricky balance between being supportive and feeling like your own needs are being sidelined.
Have you ever had a situation where you had to set that kind of boundary with family or friends? How did it go?

 

[TriciaR]

My brother came to visit and decided to rearrange my kitchen cabinets. I couldn't find anything for weeks so I finally just put it back the way it was. It was so irritating and arrogant of him to think he could even do that so I totally understand your position. I would just put it back the way it was and tell her that that's the way you want it. They may leave sooner than you expected but my gosh, it's your house!!!

Oh wow — your brother rearranged your kitchen cabinets? That would drive me absolutely crazy too! There’s something about not being able to find things in your own home that really gets under your skin, isn’t there? Thank you for sharing that @NIBOR0 — it really helps put things into perspective. I agree, sometimes you just have to quietly reclaim your space and let people know, kindly but clearly, that some things are off-limits. And you’re so right — at the end of the day, it is your house. Did your brother take it well when you changed everything back, or did it spark a bit of a conversation?

 

[TriciaR]

lt is one thing to ask if you would like to change the room but to do it without asking is totally wrong. How would she feel if you did the same to her. l would definitely say something to the son first and then if nothing happens-speak to her. That is just totally rude!!

Thanks so much for joining the conversation @angib55 — you’ve hit the nail on the head. It really does come down to respect and basic courtesy, doesn’t it? Making big changes without asking first, especially in someone else’s home, just doesn’t sit right. I love your suggestion of speaking to the son first — it’s a gentle way to start the conversation without causing too much friction. And yes, it makes you wonder how she’d feel if the roles were reversed! Have you ever had to navigate a situation like that in your own home? How did you handle it?

 

[TriciaR]

Well, how long will they be living in your home? If it’s for a short time then you may be able to live with it. If it’s say longer than a month or two at the max, then tell her, not your son how you see your stuff where it makes sense to you. Ask her help in putting things back in the order you appreciate your home arranged. How does that sound to you? I hope this agrees with your vision. If not, totally discard my opinion.

Thank you so much for your kind and considerate response @Gayle B. ! You’ve offered such a balanced approach. I think asking her to help put things back the way you like could actually open up a respectful conversation, without turning it into a confrontation. That’s a really gentle and constructive way to handle it.
You’re also right — the length of their stay makes a big difference. A few weeks might be tolerable, but longer than that, and it becomes harder to just “live with it.” Have you ever had to gently guide someone like this in your own home? I’d love to know how it turned out!

 

[TriciaR]

You are an adult. This person may have meant well, but your home and your privacy are being violated without your permission. Don't talk to your son! He is not responsible for turning your home into mini-her. Talk to HER. Try to remain reasonable and calm. It may be a good idea to bring another adult who understands your rights to organize your space as you, not some temporary resident, prefers. Offer to go shopping for home décor once her house is available! She may be using your home as practice.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply @anotheroldbag — you’ve raised some really important points. It is such a personal thing, having someone change your space without asking, and I love how you framed it as a matter of privacy too. That really hits home. I also appreciate your idea of speaking directly with her — and keeping calm while doing so. That’s such good advice. And what a clever suggestion, offering to go shopping with her once she’s back in her own place — it could turn a tense situation into something positive and even fun. Have you ever had someone “redecorate” or overstep in your space like this? How did you keep your cool?